Melbourne University in $85 mill plan to “grow in its own esteem” (2007)

Melbourne Uni Vice Chancellor Glyn Davis has a “bold new plan” for the university’s future. It may be controversial, but the CEO of Melbourne’s sandstone “icon” has some classic tricks up his sleeve, as he candidly revealed to The Stage recently.

“We are fully up-to-date with the lessons of modern advertising,” Davis told our education correspondent. “Lesson number one is that if you repeat a lie often enough it will be accepted as truth. And lesson number two is that commercial hype, once it goes into overdrive, has the power to cancel out what is normally common sense. Any idiot knows you can generate a bunch of statistics making it sound as if you’re the best or the eighth best in the world. Among the other nonsense we’d like accepted as truth is that Melbourne University’s ‘global positioning’ is ‘enhanced’ by huge class sizes, 1000’s of students who struggle with English, spending millions of dollars on administrative salaries and churning out disgusting amounts of university merchandise like t-shirts and degrees [Is this right? Ed.]”

“That’s where our new Growing Esteem Strategy comes in. It’s like the Federal Government’s Future Fund. We want it to be like the Future Fund. That’s why we’ve given it the dicky name. Only there’s a difference – while the government’s Future Fund will be spent over time to pay for hospitals and telecommunications, the $85 million Growing Esteem money will be spent straight up outspending other universities on advertising. Our aim is to use it on trips overseas talking up our credentials – in fact on anything that will sear the Melbourne University logo onto the retina of anyone who comes within 100km of the place.”

Asked whether he would stop at anything to boost the University’s profile, Professor Davis said he had rejected a proposal to hire girls in bandanas and g-strings to hawk the “hot new education package” outside city train stations. But apart from that he is “open to suggestions.”

“Obviously coming up with slogans and some sort of catchy jingle is the key. We’ve come up with plenty so far. Let me see: The children are our future. Making the future safe for diversity. Go with ‘esteem power’ – it’s the future, yeah!” he said, weirdly punching the air.

Davis was frank about where the $85 million is to come from for him to grow in his own esteem. “Obviously we intend to put the screws on departments that aren’t willing to cut corners so that we have more money to burn over the next few years. But we’ll do it in polite-sounding managerial jargon they can barely understand.”

How are staff reacting to the prospect of yet another education revolution from above? “Ask any member of staff who’s ever been involved in a meeting about ‘Growing Esteem’. If they’re honest, they’ll admit they have no idea what’s going on. That’s because we haven’t told them what’s going on. It’s also partly because we don’t know what’s going on ourselves. About the only thing we’ve decided is that it will involve spending this 100 or so million on ‘fully commercialising’ the ‘venture’ and increasing the number of Deputy Vice Chancellors from the current ten to about 50 or 60.”

“Staff in general need to understand that they are small cogs in an enormous education ‘machine’. And if they aren’t spinning and spinning, as a good cog should, then they will be asked to leave the machine.”

“Obviously it is a gross dereliction of public trust to treat students as canon-fodder in some vast educational war effort. But it would be foolish to try to lay the blame at anyone’s door. There’s nobody who’s really responsible and so nobody’s to blame. Is it me? Is it the government? Is it John Dawkins? Maybe it’s the Abominable Snowman. More likely it’s something to do with the global economy and the global economy means thinking about things from a realistic economic perspective. People accept that. They accept that any economy is a good economy. Including a false economy like dropping standards to pay for first-class publicity.”

“I object to the suggestion that I’m just trying to make the noises Canberra wants to hear. I’m here to spend the pathetic trickle of money that comes down to us from Canberra on something other than education.”

“At the most basic level, I’m just trying to look after myself, like everyone else. I look after Melbourne University by looking after myself. Has your esteem grown as this interview has worn on? Never stop growing in your own esteem – that’s the shot.”

(Glyn Davis will be coming soon to 168 giant plasma tv screens near you.)

(The Stage was the much-loved reality-based predecessor of The Great Stage. It "leant its breast against a reedy shore and unlocked its silent throat" beside a Coburg pond in 2007.)

(Melbourne University continues to grow in its own esteem)