G. Flaubert - The Dictionary of Received Ideas

My favourites from Flaubert's Dictionary of Platitutes - superbly translated and annotated (1954) by Edward J. Fluck ["pronounce 'fluke'; if in front of a literature class, snigger briefly and say 'it must have had it's advantages'".' GF]. If anyone would like to pick their own favourites, let's compare lists. (CS) 

Absinthe - An extra-virulent poison: one glass, and you are dead. Journalists drink it while they write their articles. Has killed more soldiers than the Bedouins.

Apartment (Batchelor's) - Always in disorder, with feminine effects trailing here and there. Aroma of cigarettes. Extraordinary things are to be found in one.

Artists - Are all dilettantes. Praise their disinterest in money matters (obsolete idea). Express surprise over the fact that they dress like everybody else (obsolete idea). They make heaps of money, but throw it out the window. Often invited to dine in town. A woman artist is definitely a whore. What artists do can't be called work.

Baldness - Always precocious, is caused by loose living during one's youth or by entertaining lofty thoughts.

Chiaroscuro - One doesn't know what it is.

Cheese - Quote the aphorism of Brillat-Savarin: "A dessert without cheese is a beautiful woman with only one eye."

Classics (The) - One is supposed to be acquainted with them.

Clown - Has had dislocated limbs since childhood.

Coitus - Copulation - Words to be avoided: Say: "They had relations. . . "

Coffee - Imparts wit. Tasty only when it comes from Le Havre. At a formal dinner, should be taken standing. Sipping it unsweetened, very fashionable, suggests you have lived in the Orient.

Conservative - Pot-bellied politician. "You narrow-minded conservative!" - "Yes, sir, there must be people of limited vision to take care of the reckless."

Constipation - All men-of-letters are constipated. Influences political convictions.

Cossacks - Eat candles.

Crucifix - Most becoming in a bedchamber or on the scaffold.

Devotion - Complain about the lack of it in other people. "We are far inferior to dogs in this respect."

Dimples - One must always say to a pretty girl that she has Cupids lodged in her dimples.

Egg - Starting-point of a philosophical discussion on the genesis of beings.

Elephants - Are known for their good memory, and worship the sun.

Feudalism - Even though you have no clear ideas about this, thunder against it.

Fire - Purifies everything. As soon as you hear somebody shout, "Fire", first thing to do is to lose your head.

Functionary - Inspires respect, no matter what his function is.

Genius - No point in admiring it, it's a "neurosis".

Gibberish - The way foreigners talk. Always laugh at a foreigner who speaks French badly.

Gothic - Style of architecture bearing more on religion than other styles.

Guests - Examples to set before one's son.

Habit - Is second nature. Habits you indulge in at school are bad habits. If you got into the habit, you could play the violin like Paganini.

Halberd - On seeing a threatening cloud, don't fail to say: "It's going to rain halberds." In Switzerland, all men carry halberds.

Hare - Sleeps with its eyes open.

Harem - Always compare a rooster among his hens to a sultan in his harem. The dream of all schoolboys.

Hermaphrodite - Excites an unhealthy curiosity. Try to see one.

Homer - Never existed. Famous for his style of laughter.

Ideal - Perfectly useless.

Ideologists - All newpapermen are ideologists.

Idolators - Are cannibals.

Imbroglio - What all dramatic works amount to.

Inventors - All die in the poorhouse. Somebody else profits by their discovery, which is unfair.

Knife - Is Catalan when its blade is long. Is termed a dagger when it has been used to commit murder.

Koran - Book by Mohammed that is all about women.