G. Flaubert - The Dictionary of Received Ideas

My favourites from Flaubert's Dictionary of Platitutes - superbly translated and annotated (1954) by Edward J. Fluck ["pronounce 'fluke'; if in front of a literature class, snigger briefly and say 'it must have had it's advantages'".' GF]. If anyone would like to pick their own favourites, let's compare lists. (CS) 

Absinthe - An extra-virulent poison: one glass, and you are dead. Journalists drink it while they write their articles. Has killed more soldiers than the Bedouins.

Apartment (Batchelor's) - Always in disorder, with feminine effects trailing here and there. Aroma of cigarettes. Extraordinary things are to be found in one.

Artists - Are all dilettantes. Praise their disinterest in money matters (obsolete idea). Express surprise over the fact that they dress like everybody else (obsolete idea). They make heaps of money, but throw it out the window. Often invited to dine in town. A woman artist is definitely a whore. What artists do can't be called work.

Baldness - Always precocious, is caused by loose living during one's youth or by entertaining lofty thoughts.

Chiaroscuro - One doesn't know what it is.

Cheese - Quote the aphorism of Brillat-Savarin: "A dessert without cheese is a beautiful woman with only one eye."

Classics (The) - One is supposed to be acquainted with them.

Clown - Has had dislocated limbs since childhood.

Coitus - Copulation - Words to be avoided: Say: "They had relations. . . "

Coffee - Imparts wit. Tasty only when it comes from Le Havre. At a formal dinner, should be taken standing. Sipping it unsweetened, very fashionable, suggests you have lived in the Orient.

Conservative - Pot-bellied politician. "You narrow-minded conservative!" - "Yes, sir, there must be people of limited vision to take care of the reckless."

Constipation - All men-of-letters are constipated. Influences political convictions.

Cossacks - Eat candles.

Crucifix - Most becoming in a bedchamber or on the scaffold.

Devotion - Complain about the lack of it in other people. "We are far inferior to dogs in this respect."

Dimples - One must always say to a pretty girl that she has Cupids lodged in her dimples.

Egg - Starting-point of a philosophical discussion on the genesis of beings.

Elephants - Are known for their good memory, and worship the sun.

Feudalism - Even though you have no clear ideas about this, thunder against it.

Fire - Purifies everything. As soon as you hear somebody shout, "Fire", first thing to do is to lose your head.

Functionary - Inspires respect, no matter what his function is.

Genius - No point in admiring it, it's a "neurosis".

Gibberish - The way foreigners talk. Always laugh at a foreigner who speaks French badly.

Gothic - Style of architecture bearing more on religion than other styles.

Guests - Examples to set before one's son.

Habit - Is second nature. Habits you indulge in at school are bad habits. If you got into the habit, you could play the violin like Paganini.

Halberd - On seeing a threatening cloud, don't fail to say: "It's going to rain halberds." In Switzerland, all men carry halberds.

Hare - Sleeps with its eyes open.

Harem - Always compare a rooster among his hens to a sultan in his harem. The dream of all schoolboys.

Hermaphrodite - Excites an unhealthy curiosity. Try to see one.

Homer - Never existed. Famous for his style of laughter.

Ideal - Perfectly useless.

Ideologists - All newpapermen are ideologists.

Idolators - Are cannibals.

Imbroglio - What all dramatic works amount to.

Inventors - All die in the poorhouse. Somebody else profits by their discovery, which is unfair.

Knife - Is Catalan when its blade is long. Is termed a dagger when it has been used to commit murder.

Koran - Book by Mohammed that is all about women.

Lad - Never begin a speech on Commencement Day other than as follows: "Young lads" (which is a pleonasm).

Lagoon - City on the Adriatic.

Mask - Imparts wit.

Maxim - Never new but always comforting.

May Bugs - Progeny of spring. Find subject for a booklet. Their thorough desctruction is the dream of every prefect; when mentioning their ravages, in a speech delivered at an agricultural show, you must refer to them as "baneful coleopters".

Melancholy - Sign of refinement of heart and exaltation of spirit.

Mendacity - Should be banned, but never is.

Method - Is of no use.

Mole - Blind as a mole. And yet it has eyes.

Mood - Rejoice when a bad one leaves, and express surprise that the human body can contain such great quantities of them.

Music - Makes one think about a lot of things. Has a soothing effect on manners. Ex. The Marsillaise.

Oasis - Tavern in the desert.

Orchestra - Image of society: everyone plays his part and there is a leader.

Organ - Exalts one's soul toward God.

Otter - Is used to make caps and waistcoats.

Paradox - Always expressed on the Boulevard des Italiens between two puffs on a cigarette.

Phoenix - Beautiful name for a fire insurance company.

Poetry - Is absolutely useless: out of fashion.

Poor, The - To concern oneself with them is a substitute for all the virtues.

Priests - They should be castrated. Sleep with their maids and by them have children, whom they call their nephews. Some of them are nice fellows, just the same.

Prose - Easier to write than verse.

Providence - What would become of us without it?

Prunes - Flush out the bowels.

Publicity - The source of wealth.

Purple - Nobler word than red. Cite the anecdote about the dog that discovered purple by biting into a mollusk.

Question - To state it is to solve it.

Relatives - Always disagreeable. Don't mention those who are not wealthy.

Ring - It's a mask of refinement to wear one on the index finger. To wear one on the thumb is too Oriental. Wearing rings deforms the fingers.

Sapphic and Adonic (Verse) - Produces an excellent effect in a literary article.

Sash - Poetic.

Scaffold - Manage, when you mount it, to utter a few eloquent words before dying.

Scholars - Poke fun at them. To become a scholar the only requirements are a good memory and hard work.

Secret Funds - Incalculable sums with which government of officials buy people's consciences. Show indignation against.

Selling - Buying and selling, the purpose of life.

Service - Rendering a service to children is boxing their ears; to animals, beating them; to servants, firing them; to criminals, punishing them.

Shape - Say before any statue you happen to scrutinise: "It certainly is shapely."

Sick - To cheer up the sick, make fun of their illnesses and deny their pains.

Singer - Every morning they gulp a fresh-laid egg to polish their voices. A tenor always has a charming and tender voice, a baritone a congenial and sonorous organ, and a basso a powerful emission.

Sneezing - After you have said "God bless you", engage in a discussion of the origin of this custom.

Social Circle - Naturally, one must always belong to a social circle.

Spinach - Sweeps your stomach like a broom. Never fail to quote the well-known saying by Prudhomme: "I don't like it, and I'm very glad this is so, for if I liked it I would eat it, and I can't stand it." (Some people will find this perfectly logical and will not laugh.)

Stag Party - Calls for oysters, white wine, and smutty jokes.

Stinks, It - Should be said of any work of art or literature that the Figaro has not granted permission to admire.

Student - All wear red berrets and baggy trousers, smoke pipes in the street, and do no studying.

Teeth - Are spoiled by cider, tobacco, sugared almonds, ice, drinking right after the soup course, and sleeping with the mouth open. Eyetooth: dangerous to extract it since it is connected with the eye.

Thirteen - Avoid being thirteen at table, it brings bad luck. Broad-minded people should never fail to jest: "So what? I shall eat enough for two." Or, perhaps, in case ladies are present, to ask whether one of them isn't pregnant.

Thunderbolts from the Vatican - Deride them.

Tights - Very exciting.

Toad - Male of the frog. Has a very dangerous venom. Lives inside stones.

Underwear - One never shows either too much, or enough of it.

Waltz - Express indignation at. Lewd and immoral romp that should be danced only by old women.

Young lady - Utter this with a soft voice. All young ladies are pale and frail, always chaste. See that they do not read any books whatsoever, do not visit museums, theatres, and above all, that section of the Botanical Garden where the monkeys are kept.