A trip to a decent editor could have prevented the fatal overdose, according to the medical analyst in charge of the investigation.
“All the signs were there that the newspaper’s entire personality had been taken over by Anna Nicole Smith,” said Dr Steve D'Aorta. “It had reached the point of no return. Every day it needed a bigger and bigger ‘hit’. By the end it could hardly resist the temptation of semi-pornographic half-page photos and it even put its life at risk by insertion of huge pneumatic implants or ‘supplements’ about the doomed star and her seamy lifestyle.”
“My assessment is that the day-in day-out coverage eventually slowed the Herald Sun’s brain and caused respiratory arrest.”
The ingredients in the story were obviously blondeness and big breasts, an often prescribed but not normally lethal circulation-stimulant that the Herald Sun often gulped straight from the bottle.
Ironically, the same combination contributed to the death of the Herald Sun’s idol, The Truth. The Sun is reported to have told friends it wanted to die like The Truth, which went to its grave when male readers found better places to get their kicks - like lads magazines and the internet.
The autopsy results reveal as much about the Sun’s life of journalistic slumming as they do about its death.
The report paints a complex yet human picture: sub-editors battling depression, columnists struggling to quell chronic pain after having to write about serious issues like David Hicks; and star editors so fixated on titillating the public that they gobbled stories about herbal Viagra and even injected the backside of the World News Section with stories about Schapelle Corby’s cup-size.
Police chief Carl Plod said the case was cut and dried and he did not expect to file charges against anyone.
“We are convinced, based on an extensive view of the evidence, that the Herald Sun’s overdose on Anna Nicole Smith was accidental with no criminal elements present,” he said. “We find nothing to indicate foul play, just low-mindedness. In other words this is another example of a media institution catering to the lowest common denominator – which after all can be a lucrative business, even if it involves irreparable self-harm or leads to the degradation and mental death of all involved.”
Bikini babes nakedly “posing” more questions about media standards – pp. 3 - 5.
More hot pics. pp. 6 – 168.
News in brief
Said Bolt: “I think it’s only a slight exaggeration to say that Tim Flannery was a well known administrator in the Soviet gulag system and that everyone at the ABC hankers after an Auschwitz-style ‘final solution’ to their climate change ‘problem’.”
“Not a single one of them has a firm grip on the climate science they’ve got so many pet opinions about,” said a determined Bolt, girding his loins. “Like me, they get all of their ‘facts’ from their favourite internet sites. Which is why I intend to fight for my right to reveal them as opinionated idiots.”
(Andrew Bolt is a pot who is paid $168/word to call every kettle in the universe black.)
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